


I Won't Apologize

by Zaya_Ayame



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Backstory, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Cycle of Abuse, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Espionage, Gen, Hordak was not a good person, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Not until Entrapta, Schizophrenia, Shadow Weaver | Light Spinner (She-Ra)'s A+ Parenting, mention of suicide, power addiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:28:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26677468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zaya_Ayame/pseuds/Zaya_Ayame
Summary: An introspective perspective of Shadow Weaver's journey through motherhood; the struggles of raising Adora and Catra in a wolves' den of deceit, manipulation, and corruption. Shadow Weaver never wanted to be a mother, never believed she was meant for the role...But the fates never intended to let her ever be anything she wanted to be, anyway.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	I Won't Apologize

> I Won’t Apologize  
> 

There were many things Shadow Weaver was prepared to embrace. Cruelty. Betrayal. Even depravity. From the moment she chose to offer her services to the Horde, her plans seated so deeply into deceit that even she wasn’t so certain she knew who she was anymore… Shadow Weaver knew the price for revenge. 

But she wasn’t prepared for motherhood. 

It was easy to believe that the ends justified the means when you look to the future with whatever speckles of hope you cold derive from the Fright Zone. The Black Garnet, her only source of magical power to feed from thanks to the Obtainment Spells ‘necessary needs’, was a blessing and a curse. 

Pain.  
Power.  
Pain.  
Power.

And endless cycle of retribution and reward that reminded her everyday what she was sacrificing for her end goal. 

_I will kill Hordak._  
_If no one else can get the job done, then it must fall to me._

These were the words she swore to herself as she lay down to sleep, body burning with the buzz of dark magic and regret. The Spell of Obtainment was a mistake. Micah… was a mistake. 

But it was her mistake and one she would carry to the end of her days. Proudly. Agonizingly, until Hordak lay at her feet and all of Etheria would swallow their words in shame about her. 

It all changed when the sound of wailing reached her ears, twitching in confusion and concern as she left the sanctity of the Black Garnet chamber. A bundle, wailing so loudly, called to somewhere deep within her that nearly rivaled the pain of dark magic. She passed it by, silently reminding herself to not waver. 

It wasn’t until Hordak informed her that the child came from a portal HE sought out and failed to reach did Shadow Weaver realize something important.

The child.  
Portal.

They could be the missing piece she needed to save Etheria. If she couldn’t do it alone-

She can. She will. She must… but fate had never been kind to her and never would be. If she could see stars, it would take no seer to know that her fate was long since sealed with the dark and depraved. 

And so she lied. Told Hordak the child was special. Powerful. He didn’t care; frustration overtaking sense and gifting the wailing bundle to her.

For that, he would receive a quick death.

As she held the bundle, uncovering it’s face, the pain seared through her chest again and behind the mask she gasped as if the air was knocked from her. A girl – cherub-like with large eyes; surely this was a celestial. Perhaps the fates were kind. 

Perhaps, this time… she wouldn’t be wrong. 

…  
..  
.

Motherhood was not easy. She never expected it would be. Thrice now, she has had to explain the basic necessities of a child to Hordak. They could not protect themselves, feed themselves or perform even the most basic of bodily functions without assistance. 

He is disgusted with children. Doesn’t understand them and refuses to do so. Only three months in and struggling to understand her role…

Shadow Weaver feels like giving up. Sending the child to be cared for by someone else; revenge had to be easier than this.

But then she remembered Micah and how he trusted her. Gave himself to her cause and she failed him. Each other. Failed everyone. 

And then Adora smiled at her. 

She was grateful for the mask she’d made for the Black Garnet.

She could smile back without worry of being caught in the lie. 

_I will kill him._

…  
..  
.

Oh, how this has grown more complicated. She’d been gone for an hour. 

An hour!

Adora was over a year old now, almost two and no obstacle was too high for her. It made Shadow Weaver nearly weep with relief that she was right about Adora’s strength. She would be a fine leader one day; a paragon of power and grace. Any mother would be proud.

Now, if someone hadn’t brought in that DAMNED box with the kitten…

But the damage was done. The fates tried to bar her way once more, but she was adaptive. If she could make a warrior out of Adora then this… child could be molded the same. Hordak would see what she was trying to do, even if he reminded her everyday that he failed to see her worth. 

Shadow Weaver was unaffected. It was a song and dance she was proficient in. Norwyn never saw worth in her, either. 

And now he’s dead. 

Hordak will get his. 

Adora smiled again at her today, holding that damn kitten. 

…  
..  
.

They’re everywhere. All the time. How are they so fast? 

She knows they want to be where she is; how could they not? But Hordak has lost patience with her. 

‘Four year olds are not soldiers,’ He reminded her. ‘They are worthless.’

 _They are children,_ She argued silently, bowing elegantly in front of him. He would not take ‘No’ for an answer. And so…

She worked. He gave her his blessing on a project and a means to put to use the orphans in the infirmary. She didn’t care about them, but knew they could be utilized. Molded.

It was the only she was good at, anymore, besides cowering before the facsimile of a man made of machines. 

Immediately, she barked commands at the soldiers at her disposal. A new training scenario was presented to them that didn’t require robots and weapons. 

She called it ‘Conditioning’. Hordak approved, but she’d rather eat screws than surrender any victory to him. She considered it her magnum opus, even decades later. Why?

She managed to convince him and his soldiers to care for children for ten years. Who else could claim such an accomplishment? 

If only those ten years were as easy as she’d hoped…

…  
..  
.

He suspects nothing yet, but how her heart aches. Adora yelled at her today. 

Catra knew better than to run into Hordak’s sanctum! She’d told her this; frightened her as best she could away from the Black Garnet chamber to instill this healthy fear.

 _It’s not healthy,_ Some voice she’d forgotten reminds her, overshadowed by justified anger.

Today, she had to tell Adora that Catra deserved it and now she misses those smiles. Those ignorant, beautiful smiles that made the pain of the Black Garnet worth-while. 

Catra will recover.  
Adora will smile again. 

They just… won’t remember why. 

That voice nagged at her again, louder but still so difficult to hear over the pain in her heart. 

_I won’t lose both of you to this place. Only one of you should hate me, if you must._

It was basic tactical knowledge. 

…  
..  
.

They’re being strange. Affectionate. Close.

She doesn’t like it, but sees no reason to stop it yet. Hordak has gone silent, thankfully and so is ignorant to the way they laugh as they play in the halls. 

Maybe he killed himself? 

She will go see. 

…  
..  
.

She was wrong. So very wrong. He’s… He’s insane.

Her shadows kept her silent. Swift. She knows what he’s after and it’s only a matter of time. Plans. Portals. His armies, already so powerful, are only a fraction of what exist beyond their world. 

She doesn’t understand it all completely and it terrifies her. 

Before she leaves, she burns the plans and escapes. It’s almost time for Adora’s lesson. 

_Smile for me, Adora. Your training starts today._

And Hordak was none the wiser; happy for any excuse to see use of the children he hated so much. 

…  
..  
.

Catra. Why did she have to take her in? 

So often, she makes this complicated. Every time Adora isn’t around, she lazes about and explores where she’d not meant to be. She known this for years and allowed it, but now-

\- now ADORA is disobeying her.

 **Unacceptable,** The voices that have justified her anger chant. **She will not survive without you.** She can’t help but agree, touching the Garnet for the third time today as her blood sings. **It is Catra’s fault.**

Softly.  
Almost impossible to hear.  
A familiar voice whispers.

_They are still children._

But she cannot listen. Will not listen. They will be soldiers, soon, and she must prepare them for the world.

Hordak will die.  
He has to.

…  
..  
.

Catra is so much more than she, herself, knows. Shadow Weaver saw how she was training on her own while Adora slept. She doesn’t give her all during the combat scenarios because Adora becomes distracted, but Shadow Weaver sees everything…

It frustrates her. Infuriates her. _You are strong! Smart! You can lead them to victory! Why do you insist on lying to me?!_

But Catra stays silent during her admonitions. Refuses to even come up with an excuse as to why she doesn’t apply herself. 

Shadow Weaver doesn’t understand.

But she will adapt. If Catra won’t stand by Adora’s side among the best…

Adora will stand alone. 

Shadow Weaver convinces herself that this is the path of least resistance; Hordak won’t notice Catra slipping through the cracks and she can prepare her to be _stronger_ than Adora. _Smarter_ than Adora. 

Oh, how Catra complicates things…

…  
..  
.

This has gone on long enough. It can’t be tolerated anymore!

They are no longer children. Not yet adults, but… not children. She caught them, embracing and her blood ran cold as she heard then talking about leaving the Horde together. 

‘Wanna see what life is like outside of the Fright Zone?’  
‘Yeah!’  
‘Nothing bad can happen as long as we’re together, right?’

She can’t let it fall apart like this!

Not when they are so close to ridding Etheria of Hordak forever! 

All of her subterfuge.  
The lies upon lies she’s stacked up that she must enchant her memory to not forget and slip up and lose them forever-! 

She hit Adora that day.  
She didn’t mean to.  
She was aiming for Catra. 

Why must Catra complicate things?

…  
..  
.

Adora asked why she can’t bring her team to Thaymor. 

Patience, Shadow Weaver lies.  
They’re not ready, Shadow Weaver coos with practice.  
They’ll only slow you down, Shadow Weaver assures with honey. 

It’s been three years since she’d discovered the key to keeping Adora in line and Catra from interfering.

Catra will stay wherever Adora is. She will follow wherever she goes. Catra is attached to Adora and this makes it easy for her to keep Catra from running off with Adora. 

Tenderness makes them receptive.  
Why didn’t she discover this so many years ago?  
It would have made it easier to control them. 

**Better late than never.** The voices have assured her, honeyed and confident. They’ve never lead her astray yet and she’s convinced that this is the best way to protect them from themselves. 

**They’re nothing without you.**  
**It’s almost time.**

…  
..  
.

The Garnet refused her again, making her nearly fell unconscious from the lack of use. She doesn’t have much time, at this rate. 

She doesn’t know why she isn’t panicking. 

Adora has gone missing.  
Catra has failed her, even with everything at her disposal.  
And Hordak is as suspicious as ever. 

And yet… she feels calm. Empowered. 

He threatens to take away the Garnet, but she can only laugh. It refuses her, anyway, so what power does that hold? Clarity, for the first time in years, has her come up with a plan that doesn’t involve Catra and Adora. 

**POWER!**

She’s lost consciousness… fives times now. She will recharge. Then she can rest. 

…  
..  
.

It hurts.  
She can’t breathe.  
What is this machine?

‘You’ve failed me for the last time. The Bright Princess. A rebel within our prison and still you fail, Shadow Weaver,’ She can hear his voice, echoing through her head as she struggles to breathe.

She’d fallen to her knees, the pain almost unbearable. 

‘You’re worthless.’

She hears Norwyn and grist her teeth. 

_Give me another chance,_ Shadow Weaver begs and Hordak relents. 

There will be no merciful end for you, Shadow Weaver swears as she walks back through the halls. She has little time to rest and even less time to kill him. 

Catra.

She makes her way to the barracks…

…  
..  
.

She doesn’t remember why she was so angry. 

She remembers that Princess and her technology. Catra and her smirk. Scorpia and her stuttering. 

And then Hordak. 

He’d done it. Just as he promised. Taken away her Black Garnet. Doomed her to her inevitable end and worse…

-convinced Catra to help. 

He must have planned this. Manipulated Catra somehow. Made her the villain. It was the only explanation. 

Somehow, she miscalculated and now she is alone. The last of her power slowly draining away from her as she sighed in the silence. 

…  
..  
.

It’s been three weeks. 

Something within her is different. She likes it. Catra visits her every day and they exchange pleasantries. 

She’s proud of her but won’t say it. Even now, she will protect Catra. Make her believe that she is worthless, when she is anything but. She has a plan, but Catra isn’t ready yet. 

Shadow Weaver will wait. She’s good at waiting. Good at words. 

And Catra is good at listening now. 

…  
..  
.

The truth tasted strange. Foreign. Unusual. 

But she found that it tasted better than lies. And ultimately… more useful. 

She doesn’t hear the voices anymore; not now that she’s been separated from the Garnet for so long. Another voice has returned, but she doesn’t recognize it anymore. 

Doesn’t relate to it. 

Catra is strong. Cunning. More resourceful than she is. 

A pain in her heart aches as she plants the seed for her escape. She knows Catra will retrieve her badge for her. 

It will be the last thing she asks of her.

And she means it. 

Adora must know of the portal. Of her past.

She has prepared Adora as best she can. Prepared Catra as best she can. They can handle anything together. She knows this to be true. 

Still, she must play her part until the end. 

…  
..  
.

This wasn’t what she expected. 

She knew that they were hardly comparable to the Horde, but… this? This prison? 

Well, it was better than dying in alone.

It was nice to tease Angella again. 

…  
..  
.

Fuck. 

Adora healed her. 

Now what?

This wasn’t part of the plan.

But she can’t help but admit, that she is excited. For once in two decades, she free and alive and…

Imprisoned.

Details. She had a plan.

…  
..  
.

From the moment she felt Glimmer slap her with her power, Shadow Weaver knew whom she came from. 

She can see Micah in her.

She can feel Angella’s spark. 

_To think… the Princess was more valuable than the Queen all along…_

…  
..  
.

Glimmer is wise beyond her years and it makes Shadow Weaver’s heart ache. 

She couldn’t save Micah so many years ago. 

But if she could honor his memory… 

He’d hate that she was teaching Glimmer, but then…

Who didn’t hate her anyway?

…  
..  
.

Catra believed that she’d… become good. 

She chose the side of good. It felt nice. Free. She wants Catra free. The time for revenge has come and she needs Catra there. 

But she pushed too hard; lost sight of the reality and the lie and Shadow Weaver looked on as Catra was carried away. 

‘You’re taking too much!’ The boy exclaimed. 

_Yes. That’s what I do… That’s…_

Shadow Weaver continued onward. 

She didn’t expect Glimmer to take her hand on her own. 

…  
..  
.

She doesn’t remember what happened, but she knows that things have changed. Adora doesn’t trust her and this is fine. She’s accepted this change of fate.

However, she admits to herself as she thumbs the daisies in front of her:

She misses Adora’s smile. 

…  
..  
.

Glimmer smiles at her.  
Micah is turning in his grave.  
Angella would hate her in this moment.

Behind her mask as Shadow Weaver speaks honeyed words and presents her best self…

She smiles back. 

…  
..  
.

The fates are not amusing. Nor does she feel like laughing at her own expense. 

Micah is alive and Glimmer is gone. She would have preferred Glimmer. 

Micah doesn’t smile at Shadow Weaver. Not like he used to smile at Light Spinner. 

…  
..  
.

Catra doesn’t trust her.  
No surprise.  
Adora doesn’t smile at her.  
No surprise.

What IS a surprise…  
Is that she has found wine and isn’t parting with it any time soon. 

Catra has complicated things, _as she does_ , but Shadow Weaver doesn’t mind.

Hordak is gone; replaced with the nightmare of her past. Catra has left. Adora struggles with She-Ra and she…

All that’s left is to wait for the end. 

…  
..  
.

She has to be dreaming; unconscious and in an alcoholic stupor. 

That’s the only explanation as to why she’s seeing Catra and being yelled at to go save Adora. 

And why she’s doing it. 

Maybe the world is worth saving after all. 

…  
..  
.

She’s sober and she hates it. 

The heart is there, within reach, those voices calling so loudly to her to take it. 

She could save them with it.  
She could destroy them with it. 

Looking back at Adora as she called for Catra, the cry echoing down the hall, Shadow Weaver cursed the fates once more. 

_Well, there were worst ways to go._

And truly, as she held Adora’s face in her hands one last time… there were. 

“Adora…” 

…  
..  
.

This was all that mattered. 

Burning through the power of her dark magic as she screamed her frustration of the last 20 years into each spell cast, Shadow Weaver could not be more alive. 

Could not be more proud of her wards. 

In the end, it was Catra that saved her. Reminded her what it was like to feel like she was worth something beyond the desire for revenge. Like she mattered. 

Adora will forgive her. That’s just what she does. Catra will follow Adora. They will be fine. 

Turning to them both, Shadow Weaver decided that she didn’t need Adora’s smile.

Instead, she gave one of her own.

She didn’t have to hide this smile behind a mask.

‘Thank you,’ Shadow Weaver spoke to them with her eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> I LITERALLY MADE THIS IN THREE HOURS, OKAY! I HAD SOME FEELINGS THAT I NEEDED TO GET OUT.  
> Hope ya'll enjoyed it all the same!


End file.
